Ask a (S)expert: “I Love Him But He's Lazy AF... How Do I Reignite the Spark?”
Welcome to our new series led by Gigi Fong, Hypebae’s in-house sex and dating editor.
Welcome to your new safe space and Hypebae’s first-ever sex and dating column, Ask a (S)expert. This new weekly series is led by Haitian-Chinese and LA-based sexpert Gigi Fong, our in-house sex and dating editor.
Gigi is a former sex worker, boudoir artist and podcaster now hosting safe spaces for the Hypebae community. She specializes in all things sex-positive from unconventional dating to pleasure for lovers of all identities. To have your questions answered, visit our dropbox below and anonymously send your intimate inquiries ♡
“My boyfriend and I haven’t been as sexually active as we used to, he keeps bringing it up and making me feel like it’s my fault it’s not happening, but he hasn’t worked on himself in a year and it’s hard to get myself to want to sleep with someone who is so discouraged and lazy. Question being, what can I do to help reignite the spark we had?”
Hey bae! You are absolutely valid for how you feel. If you ask any couple that’s been together long-term, they’ll probably reveal that the spark died out at some point. The good news is that it’s absolutely possible to reignite.
Respectfully, it sounds like you both have experienced some personal changes that have affected how you date — and fuck — eachother. And to be honest, a lazy lover can be the biggest turn-off. Essentially, it seems like you’re unattracted to him right now and he has no idea.
I’d start by communicating how their lack of motivation makes you feel. As always, I have to recommend the sandwich method and using “I” statements. Start off with what about them turns you on, or if that’s too difficult given current circumstances, what used to turn you on. Then, let them know that intimacy and attraction is lacking due to recent changes. Use “I” statements when describing how this lack of intimacy makes you feel. For example, “I’ve noticed a change in effort and it makes me feel…”
Open the floor for him to do the same. There may be feelings he’s been struggling to share, as well, so this is a great time to catch up on the unspoken “vibes” between you two. Remember, you’re both a team so whenever either of you resorts to blame, remind yourself that that works against you and the sex life you’re trying to manifest.
Next, I’d explore some options for spicing up the relationship both in and outside of the bedroom.
How to spice it up:
ABC dates: If you haven’t seen these on TikTok, it refers to alphabet dating, or picking a letter and a date idea that corresponds with that letter. For example, A for an art class — cue Paint and Sip — or maybe B for a “Let’s grab Boba and chill” moment. But the caveat here is that you both take turns picking dates. This way you’re each practicing taking initiative and leading.
Book a staycation: Although there’s no research behind it, nothing spices up a night like hotel sex. Yup, you read that correctly. Clear out your schedules for one night and order in, cuddle and work on rebuilding intimacy through conversation and touch.
Take the time to miss each other: From what you’ve shared, it sounds like you both have grown apart. Set the intention to enrich your lives outside of each other — within reason. For example, exploring your hobbies and spending time with your respective communities and friends. Then, check-in and see how you feel afterward. Do you still want to be together?
Watch porn together: If you make it past the communication part, watching porn together will open a world of pleasure for both of you. For starters, this style of intimacy can spark communication and creativity in the bedroom from sex positions to try, to fantasies you’ve always wanted to act out. Depending on how fun you end up having, explore our role-play ideas.
Try sex toys: Sex toys are another great method for spicing up sex. Explore couple’s sex toys like a vibrating cock ring, or get creative and try a new clit sucker. For tips on how to introduce sex toys to your relationship, read this article.
Tune in to Servin’ Sex, Hypebae’s first-ever sex podcast, hosted by Gigi Fong.
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