How to Escape the Male Gaze, According to A Sexologist
Sexologist Suzannah Weiss discusses her latest book and tips for reclaiming your sexuality.
In a new interview, Hypebae sits down with sexologist Suzannah Weiss to discuss her latest book, Subjectified: Becoming a Sexual Subject.
A few scrolls through TikTok or TikTok, and you’re bound to see endless discussions on the male vs. female gaze. We’ve seen it in fashion, ethical porn and now, in efforts to reclaim your sexuality. Inspired by her journey, Weiss couldn’t ignore how much of what women experience is powered by the male gaze. Even the English language reinforces toxic beliefs. Take the word objectified. It’s the “action of degrading someone to the status of a mere object,” Weiss writes. Yet some “basic sentence structures,” such as “subject verb object” inherently objectify women.
For example, “You may now kiss the bride” means “the husband kisses the wife. She is kissed. She is taken. She is claimed. By him.”
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The truth is, forms of objectification like chronic exposure to the male gaze – even in porn for women – become internalized. No matter how confident you are, you’re susceptible to “objectified body consciousness” Weiss stated. It is the “tendency to view one’s body as an object for others to look at and evaluate” and it has become synonymous with girlhood and womanhood.
With chapters stylized and named “I ___,” each page questions how we’ve been primed to perceive ourselves as women – and what reclamation would look like. Given her experience as a sex writer and in-house sexologist at Biird, Weiss’ journey chronicles the journey of rejecting the male gaze and its subsequent objectification by introducing you to her new concept: subjectification.
This is actually a deep rabbit hole. I’ve been saying this for awhile actually. It’s the basis of being “objectified.” The subject-object distinction. Men view themselves as subjects, women often view themselves as objects in third person. When you notice this you can’t stop https://t.co/RHbklVqfkD
— 𝕧𝕖𝕣𝕤 𝕝𝕒 𝕃𝕦𝕟𝕖 (@vers_laLune) July 25, 2024
Here, Weiss asks, “How can we subjectify” women vs. objectifying them? She acknowledges it might seem ironic, but to her, subjectifying removes passive voice and allows women to be subjects instead of objects. For the next 15 chapters, there are no bounds to the femme experience.
How? By constructively critiquing iconic movements like #FreetheNipple and Body Positivity, how they “failed” in certain respects and how we can use that knowledge to better inform our individual journeys and societal movements. For example, how on Earth did Body Positivity manage to exclude fat women, leading them to create their own movement: Fat Positivity? As Erika Lust, leader of ethical porn, shared, “Subjectified is a deep dive into what it means to be objectified and how we can talk, think and action our way into becoming the subject of our own lives.”
Keep reading for our interview with Weiss and tips on how to reclaim your sexuality.
Subjectified was technically created throughout the course of your career. But what was the moment that inspired this book?
I describe in the first chapter that I dealt with an eating disorder during high school, and the moment that set me on the path toward sexual liberation was also the moment that brought about my recovery. I was almost 18 and had never experienced any sort of sexual or romantic connection. Then, in the summer between high school and college, I spontaneously met someone on a beach during vacation and experienced my first-ever hookup.
“I needed to learn to be a sexual subject — to build a sexual life based on my desires, needs, preferences, and boundaries, not anyone else’s.”
It was nothing like what I’d been taught. I’d been taught that if I were to become sexual with someone, he would be using me and taking something from me. Yet it was all focused on my pleasure and showed me how good I could feel. I realized I didn’t need to use disordered eating to erase my curves in order to avoid being a sexual object. I didn’t need to desexualize myself. I needed to learn to be a sexual subject — to build a sexual life based on my desires, needs, preferences, and boundaries, not anyone else’s.
You constructively critique movements from #FreetheNipple to Body Positivity. What can we learn from these movements while on our own journeys of reclamation?
A pivotal moment in my research was my first trip to a clothing-optional resort. I was told by the PR person who invited me that the resort was a place for women to empower themselves sexually and personally. Yet from the moment I stepped foot there, I was surrounded by sexualized images of women: on the walls, on the TVs in the rooms, in the form of statues in the dining room, and among the guests. The women always seemed to dress sexier than the men for the events. The guests said things to me like “women are just pretty creatures,” suggesting they hadn’t critically questioned this dynamic.
At another top-optional resort I went to later on, I was told they’d just done some renovations to appeal to women, such as putting an image of a woman’s body at the bottom of the pool and female silhouettes on the walls. Why, I wondered, were places trying to appeal to women and liberate women by showcasing women’s bodies? Wasn’t this backwards? What did affirming our beauty have to do with affirming our desire? We’ve conflated the two. We’ve conflated women’s desire with men’s desire for us, because many still can’t imagine women having desires.
Subjectified discusses the #FreetheNipple movement and allowing yourself to be visible, while discussing self-pleasure. It’s a brilliant continuation of the male gaze conversation. From your research, do you think it’s possible to fully “escape” the male gaze?
Every woman in modern Western culture has to contend with the male gaze. It’s unavoidable. That said, we can experience moments outside it. In the book, I talk about working with a sex coach who gave me a breast massage exercise to experience pleasure in this part of my body. In the beginning, as I was doing it, it was hard to stop picturing how it looked and imagining how a man would react to me doing this activity.
However, when I was able to quiet my mind and just feel the sensations, I experienced my breasts as body parts that could provide me with sensation rather than simply pleasing a man. The male-gazey thoughts still float in and out of my mind during sex and masturbation and in my day-to-day life. But the more we can attend to our bodies, to our five senses, the more we can experience moments free from the male gaze, which is internalized more within the mind than the body.
“You get to say who you are.”
Many parts of the book feel like a lesson of radical self-acceptance. Was this your experience?
That’s interesting; that’s not the language that came to me at the time. But some of it is about accepting myself — and encouraging others to accept themselves — regardless of whether they fit certain gender norms. I discuss the replication of gender norms in certain settings that are supposed to liberate us from them, including women’s sexuality workshops and “divine feminine” coaching. It’s important to have a strong sense of yourself and not be swayed by others’ ideas that you need to be “feminine” or “masculine” to be accepted or desired. Whenever someone else tries to define who you are for you, this is objectification and mistreatment. You get to say who you are. One of the lessons of the book is to be wary of anyone else telling you who you truly are or what behaviors are or aren’t true to who you are. Only you know that.
In your opinion, is it possible to break out of objectified body consciousness? How can we do so?
As with the male gaze, I don’t know if we can live our entire lives free from objectified body consciousness, but we can have experiences and moments without it. I recommend that women who are looking to spend less time thinking about how they look or perform in the bedroom instead focus on their partners. Instead of thinking about what you look like, think about what your partner looks like and what about them is turning you on. Instead of thinking about how you are coming off to others, inside or outside the bedroom, focus on your own five senses: what you are seeing, hearing, feeling, smelling, and tasting. Instead of worrying about whether others like you, focus on deciding whether you like them — and pursue the people you like. Not the people who you think will like you.
“I lost two friends and a partner over this book.”
Has the creation of this book influenced your sex and dating life?
That’s funny that you ask. I lost two friends and a partner over this book. I had so much cognitive dissonance over friends whose comments I imparted in the book as examples of the seemingly innocuous but harmful things people say to women. And I realized I couldn’t continue being friends with people I viewed as examples of internalized (or externalized) misogyny. Nor would they want it. And so I had to be consistent with my own values and end friendships with people I felt were mistreating me.
In addition, there was someone I was dating just before the book came out. And when I showed him one of the most raw and beautiful parts, he had no response other than “that is quite personal.” It was a slap in the face. I realized that someone who could not understand such a pivotal piece of art I created, spilled straight out from my soul, could not understand me. Overall, this book has gotten me clearer on what my values are and what I’m seeking in the people I associate with. There’s something about putting something into a book that makes you think, “Well, I said it. I can’t take it back now. I have to live by it. I can’t write one thing and do another.”
What advice would you give to young women who are eager to reclaim their sexuality vs. replicating the male gaze?
Honor your own boundaries. If something feels at all aversive or like an obligation, say “no.” There is no sexual act you simply have to get over with or grin and bear. And be honest with yourself about who you’re interested in. Do not settle for someone you don’t desire simply because they are offering commitment and stability and you’ve been taught that’s all women need. It’s not. We are allowed to care about sex and seek out people who turn us on.
“Let your own desire direct your dating life. You’ll waste less time and get faster results, and you won’t betray yourself in the process..”
We don’t have to “see if someone grows on us” just because they’re “nice” and we therefore feel we owe them something. I hate this line of thinking; it’s so dismissive of women and their desires. “But he’s a nice guy!” “Maybe he’ll grow on you!” No! Go with who you like, not just who likes you. Don’t let other people gaslight you into thinking that your desires don’t matter. If that means you are single for longer, that’s better than being dishonest with yourself — and someone else — and pushing through something you’re not excited about.
Do not fall into the trap of thinking you owe anyone sex or dating or “a chance” for any reason. You don’t owe anyone pleasure just because they’ve pleasured you. You don’t owe anyone a kiss because they’ve paid for a date. You don’t have to let anyone into your home if you’re not feeling it, even if they need your bathroom or WiFi or water or whatever. Nor do you have to even reply to a text from someone who’s making you uncomfortable. Let your own desire direct your dating life. You’ll waste less time and get faster results, and you won’t betray yourself in the process.
This interview has been condensed for clarity.
Purchase Subjectified: Becoming a Sexual Subject on Amazon.
While you’re here, check out ”100 Effed Facts About the Gender Gap.”
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